I love marketing. Advertisements and packaging gimmicks are an unending supply of entertainment for me. Everywhere I look I see some bullshit lying to us and insulting our intelligence. They treat the sheep-like masses like little children and for that I salute them. These marketing monkeys are not just justifying their meaningless existences with their bottomless well of bullshit. They are assaulting the general public with stupidity because it actually works on the stupid, which is of course the vast majority of the earth's population. It must work because they show no signs of slowing down with their torrents of nonsense.

I stumbled onto today's victim while shopping in the evil empire known as Wal-Mart looking to replace all the underwear I'd blown the ass out off. This shit is just wrong on so many levels:

First of all, look at this narcissistic fag. Retarded, shit-eating grin and bad haircut aside, I swear he's getting off checking out his own package. Now I love my dick as much as any other guy, but I don't get off looking at dick, even if it is my own perfect specimen. What's even sadder is that upon closer inspection (if you dare) it is revealed that this man in fact does not seem to have a dick. Now I'm not built like John Holmes, but if I had junk like this guy's, you'd never see me showing it off on the front of a pack of underwear. I had to double check to make sure I didn't misread something, but no, it does not say “Hanes Her Way” anywhere on it.

And this guy is NOT a size XXL. That's not to say that he's worth looking at, but to his credit (his only credit) he does not have a 44-46 waist. “But C-Tzar, that's just a generic picture that they use for every size blah blah blah” BULLSHIT. This particular line of briefs had at least 8 different models (all with visible abs) plastered all over their packaging, seemingly at random, for every size. They are not saving money on film or model salary, they are lying to you. Typical marketing assholes fear offending some fat fuck by actually representing them with something more realistic, like this guy:


One of the saddest parts of any marketing campaign is coming up with reasons why you, the mindless sheep, should buy whatever shitty product they are trying to push on you. The result is usually a bulleted list of features that are worthless and/or just don't make any sense. The back of this package is one of the saddest examples I've ever seen. If you can only come up with two reasons, just put it in one sentence with an "and".

The list provided is so lacking and ineffectual that I almost felt sorry for the marketing monkeys behind this gibberish so I decided to help them out a little bit with some more useful functions that underwear can provide.

4)Keeps your ass warm
5)Aids in avoiding shit stains in your jeans
6)Help prevent your nuts from banging against your thighs (or ankles if you are C-Tzar)

Any one of these is infinitely more useful than a “Stylish Mid Rise Cut”. But honestly, this is underwear. The only thing I want to see on the package is the size and the price. This Playgirl reject is not going to motivate me to buy your shit.

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